Life in K—Driving Miss Daisy

I’ve only been here for about two weeks now, but I’ve had several opportunities to drive around K both in a SUV and on a motorcycle. I’m by no means an expert, but in my time here, I’ve tried to take it all in and I think that I’m catching on to the rhythm. Now, to the untrained eye it might seem like unorganized chaos, but there are well defined rules that guide what each member in the swirling chaos must do. (And the chaos in K is nothing compared to the capital.)

So I present to you: A Wing and A Prayer: A guide for getting to where you are going, in one piece.

The Matrix: Road surface and other natural elements

• The city consists of three, paved, and intersecting roads. Dirt roads make up the rest of the roads and alleys.
• Pot holes are the expected norm; swerving around them is also the expected norm. Driving in a constant zig-zagging motion is not reason to suspect drunk-driving here.
• Speed bumps have been placed, for your convenience, at random, unmarked intervals.
• If there is some path around a speed bump, you may take it.
• Garbage day is every day, and it may be placed in the street…no need to bag it.
• Dirt road surfaces change with wind and rain. So just when you’ve got your swerving pattern mastered, you’ll need to readjust to accommodate new holes and trenches.
• High wind causes mini dust storms in open areas. No matter how tight you hold your mouth closed, it will get between your teeth.
• Heavy rains shut the city down. You may think this a bit bizarre. Just wait, you’ll see why.
• Small flash floods occur in back dirt alleys with heavy rain. Please be prepared to get wet.
  

Dead Man Walking: Pedestrians of the human and animal kind

• All pedestrians share the actual road surface with any other vehicles. Sidewalks are non-existent.
• Cattle, goats, dogs, and chickens cross streets at random intervals. Hitting any of them is considered bad form.
• There is no age limit placed on drivers of donkey carts. Young boys of 8 are thought to be, by some, the best drivers.
• Everyone understands that donkeys are not the brightest animals (except in the movie Shrek), and so it is commonly accepted that the cart motions will be a little bit erratic. Jumping off the cart and pushing the donkey to the side to avoid collision is always much appreciated.
• Carts should be loaded as much as possible. Whipping up the donkey and causing it to run and thus become even more erratic is a form of flirting that most girls find irresistible.
• Men pushing their carts (push-pushes) may walk in any direction, on any side of the street, even if their load is so high that they are rendered sightless.
• Adult, human, pedestrians participate in a secret, but universally played, game. Points are awarded on the proximity that can be obtained to moving vehicles while crossing the street. The highest points are awarded to those who must turn their heads in order not to lose their noses as the trucks pass by.
• The singular rule for children crossing the road is caprice. At one moment they should approach the road with a great deal of caution. At another, they must foreswear such caution and make a mad dash across the street without looking.
• All children must unite together in the chorus, “Toubabou, Toubabou,” (white person) upon the sighting of any exposed white person. This is analogous to a Neighborhood Watch. It often serves as an in-the-nick-of-time warning to clear the road to avoid the erratic driving whities. (New arrivals to the country are to be considered especially hazardous.)
  

Fast and Furious: The operation of your vehicle

• Horns do not have a negative connotation here. They are more like saying, “Umm…excuse me…could I squeeze through here,” rather than “Move it, you idiot.”
• Turn signals need not be activated for any turn. However, once activated they should remain active during the duration of your drive around town.
• Headlights are not needed during night time driving. However, they should not be turned on during the day, as this may waste gas (unconfirmed as that may be).
• No emission checks are required. The white clouds produced by even the smallest mopeds only add to the “atmosphere.”
• Gas may be purchased at local stations, or at road side stands where it is poured from glass bottles into your gas tank.
  

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles: Motorized transport

• In broad general terms, the goal of traffic is to be ever-flowing, without any complete stops, while still accommodating the above stipulations.
• Cars, trucks, and buses have some, albeit ill-defined, right-of-way, mainly on the basis of their size and capacity to cause bodily harm. However, if the car shows a moment’s hesitation in taking said right-of-way, it should be challenged and taken when possible.
• Roads are generally devoid of any type of speed limits, stop signs, and the like. Where signs are posted, they must be viewed as suggestions, largely ignored, as opposed to hard rules.
• If a left turn must be made, one need not cross oncoming traffic to begin proceeding. Instead, the left-turning-vehicle occupies the shoulder and begins to accelerate into oncoming traffic (i.e. contra the flow of traffic) until an opening sufficient for crossing the street presents itself.
• On open road, motos drive to the side, allowing cars to pass; however, in the city motos may pass vehicles in whatever fashion they deem necessary. A car may be surrounded on both sides by motos.
• Any load that can be carried in a car, can be carried on a moto. Babies wrapped on the back of women are considered adequately secured. Older children ride behind parents, oldest child farthest back on the seat. While four children can be transported on a single moto with parents, three is the recommended maximum.
• Heavy and compact loads are carried in the hands of the back rider, while the front rider drives.
• Heavy and long items (like, say, a queen size mattress folded in half) rest on the heads of both riders, while the back rider uses his hands to stabilize the load.I hope these rules are helpful to you in your driving endeavors.

And remember, coming to a complete stop in the road is bad form. Please continue with the flow of traffic.